Just felt like writing.
This week has been difficult. Not so much because of the loss of my mother, more because of the realization that I cause my Saviors death.
On multiple occasions this week, I couldn't help but think about how I caused Christ to die. So many times I have heard that God sent Christ to the world to die for their sins, which includes mine. I have also heard that God would have sent Christ to die for the sins of this world, even if I was the only one here.
This week I felt like that was true. This week my sins put Christ Jesus on that rugged cross, I drove the nails into His hands and feet. This is not to say that I sinned more than usual, I guess it was just more real, the cost of sin.
The thing that really gets me, is that I give in to temptation even when I don't want to. This frustrates me more than most anything, especially when I know what it cost.
For once, I feel that I understand, and believe, that Christ would have came here, even if I was the only one.
My prayer is that Christ will continue to forgive me for driving those nails, piercing Gods flesh, while I go on allowing myself to sin. I am unworthy of such a great gift. I am unworthy to be called a son of God. I am unworthy.
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I am also struggling with why I am here, what purpose God has for me. I look at those around me, and see beauty. I see how God has used my mother, I am blessed to see how He is using my father. My brother has a beautiful girl he is raising, beside him a lovely wife.
My wife is brilliant, successful and stunning. I don't mean to sound like I am being hard on myself, Lord knows I am ever so thankful. I am feeling lost, and without a map. It feels like I am running in circles, and while I have food, water, and shelter, and God is still providing me with so much more. I just feel like I havent nailed it down yet.
4 comments:
Dear Layne, what you wrote about feeling lost is very moving, and completely understandable, given what you've just been through. Someone once described this to me at a dark moment in my life, and I've always remembered it:
Imagine a family like a perfectly balanced mobile, each member dangling from the mobile floating and moving in rhythm. Suddenly one member is taken away, and the remaining members swing wildly, up and down, swirling around, trying to regain a balance. The spinning begins to slow, the swinging eventually stops, and a new, and quite different balance is gained. It is never the same, but a rhythm returns, each member in a different orbit, allowing new views of each other, never seen before.
God is the one holding up the mobile. He holds us in the palm of His hand, and will never let us go, no matter how hard the enemy tries to snatch us away. He always catches us when we fall. I know you know, but pray you will feel Him holding you, Layne, to quiet your spirit, and help you regain your balance. It will come. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You are very loved. - Donna
Layne,
Your words speak with conviction of the truth you now. Let this time be in your heart and let build your character. What you are feeling is good and it will bring healing in ways that you can not believe. So continue to be yourself. Believe you'll get through to the end of this. And Remember the word God is true and comunicate with other people.
What you have done in the past few months for me has been wonderful. No career measure and weight up to the time you have spent with me. Thank you, and I love you for who you are.
Dad
Layne,
I suspect you'll never know the extent of the impact you have on others until you're in heaven and God can show you himself. I've known you for 16 years and I can't even begin to tell you what a profound impact you've had on my life.
Donna,
Beautiful words. Thanks.
Layne,
Your comments seem similar to that of King David's in Psalm 8. The struggle of God's guidance in our lives appears very common.
If you are interested, I have a good book called "Step By Step: Divine Guidance For Ordinary Christians" by James C. Petty. I found it very useful
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