Something Worth Listening To

Today was a day of struggling for me, spiritually speaking. I have a few things to share here, and I am not fully sure where to start, I guess I will follow some sort of time line.

This morning I was struggling with sin. For some reason it hit me as soon as I woke up. I thought that if I went back to sleep for a little while, it would go away. Nope, it was still haunting me as I woke up... again. So I sat on the side of the bed thinking of ways to preoccupy myself so my mind would not focus on it.

When that didn't work, I decided I should kneel for my morning prayer. It seemed superficial, and I felt as though something was missing. So I moved to my next devotional study in the morning: E-sword. I like to read the daily devotional by Charles Surgeon, sometimes it gives me great ideas for writing or just a good thought for the day. Today was an exception. It was something I totally disagreed with. On to my email, yet still I heard that sinful voice calling me.

It wasn't until after I gave in that I felt close to God. It wasn't until I crucified Christ again that I felt like He was with me. I asked God for forgiveness, and believe that I was, as I truly am regretful for my sins.

As I went on with my daily routine, I checked a friends blog, who seemed to have a rough day yesterday. I offered a sincere resolution in his comments (which feels wrong and two faced now that I look back at what I wrote).

I went in to work, and on my drive I successfully drove according to the laws, and was able to pray with God and ask why I struggled this morning. I didn't get much response outside of the fact that He loved me, even though I sin, which was encouraging.

As I get home and able to look at other responses on Timm's blog, I see J Razz left a comment. As I read it, it didn't seem to fit with the subject Timm was talking about (in my opinion), however something jumped our at me.

"'You need to love Jesus more than you love your selfish sin." and "He urged me to seek out ways to love Christ more than sin." (thank you J Razz for sharing)

God had given me my answer, and I believe that is why I struggled this morning. That is why I couldn't hear Him, why I felt distance. I had stepped away from God, because I loved my selfish sin more than I loved God. And let me tell you, it is aweful to hear those words in my mouth. I know how horrible it is to betray someone I love, and then there is this: betraying the Creator of all. Christ, who loves me so much He died for me, and I don't love Him enough to turn from sin.